The "Sins" of the Father

This morning, I heard a tragic story that I've seen happen all too often. A friend of mine made a decision awhile ago that his parents did not agree with. They have been at odds with each other for the last few years about this decision, and today things came to a head and the parents disowned him. They were quoted as saying that he had disgraced the family and that everyone looks down on them because of the decision that he made. Now, I don't think the parents should have disowned him, and I do not think that they should have used that language when they talked to him. But, that's not what this post is about. This post is about all the people that looked down on them. The people who make the unfair and untrue assumption that Christian parents are directly responsible for every decision their adult children make.

Let me tell you a little story. My parents are Christians, and I have two brothers and a sister. Currently, I am the only one of my siblings who is still walking with the Lord. My parents, though not perfect, did their best to raise us as God-fearing individuals. They took us to church every Sunday, they took us to AWANA every Wednesday, they made sure we memorized our verses, they read us Bible stories every night, they sent us to Bible camp and V.B.S. during the summer, and tried their best to live out what they taught us to value. Unfortunately, my older brother decided to walk away from the Lord just before he turned 17. My parents were devastated. They were also devastated when my younger brother and sister decided to walk away as well. What happened in our church community as a result added insult to injury. Though many people came to us with compassion and prayed for my siblings that they would come back, there were also those who said (not to their faces) that my parents were failures. They must have done something wrong, or my brothers and sister would not have made those decisions. Never mind the fact that one of their children decided to take their teachings to heart and had a growing relationship with God, because the majority decided to walk away, they must have messed up. I was a fluke. My parents tried their best to raise us the way the Bible taught them. So, how is it their fault that my siblings decided to reject everything they had been taught as children?

Before you throw your stones of judgment labeled “Proverbs 22:6”, there are a few things I want you to keep in mind:
1. You are on the outside. You were not there for the first 18 years of the child in question’s life. You were not there to see why they made the decision that they did. All you see is the result of whatever happened, and there is no way you can know all the factors that went into it. So, do not assume that whatever decision the child made is because of something the parents said, did, or didn’t do. You don’t know. If you are truly concerned, instead of trying to figure out why it happened, pray about the child.

2. Children are influenced by more things than just their parents. While it’s true that how children turn out has a lot to do with how their parents raise them, it’s also true that they do not grow up in a social vacuum in which their views are shaped solely by their parents until the day they turn 18. We have all seen parents who have tried to do that, and the results are not pretty. The fact is, children are going to be influenced by a lot of different things. Friends, teachers, media, church, etc. Kids these days are being pulled in many different directions, and they may choose to listen to someone besides their parents and base their decisions off of them.

3. Children are not robots. Children are not empty hard drives that parents simply program whatever values they want into, and they stay that way for the rest of their lives. No, children are living, breathing, human beings with minds and souls of their own. There will come a time when they make their own decisions, whether they’re ready to or not. They may not decide to live by what their parents teach them, and that is not the parents’ responsibility.

4. This is a tragedy. If an adult child decides to walk away from the Lord, many Christian parents regard this as akin to a death sentence. No parent wants to see their child make decisions that harm them physically and emotionally. A family is torn apart, parents are devastated, and chances are, they are probably already asking themselves “Did I do something wrong?” They do not need you to answer their question with a “Yes.”

All in all, a realization that I can do my darndest to raise my kids in a manner worthy of the Lord and they may still decide to reject it is frightening. But, I do hope that if that ever does happen, I will have friends and family who have enough compassion to point their fingers heavenward in prayer instead of at me and my husband in blame.