The "Sins" of the Father

This morning, I heard a tragic story that I've seen happen all too often. A friend of mine made a decision awhile ago that his parents did not agree with. They have been at odds with each other for the last few years about this decision, and today things came to a head and the parents disowned him. They were quoted as saying that he had disgraced the family and that everyone looks down on them because of the decision that he made. Now, I don't think the parents should have disowned him, and I do not think that they should have used that language when they talked to him. But, that's not what this post is about. This post is about all the people that looked down on them. The people who make the unfair and untrue assumption that Christian parents are directly responsible for every decision their adult children make.

Let me tell you a little story. My parents are Christians, and I have two brothers and a sister. Currently, I am the only one of my siblings who is still walking with the Lord. My parents, though not perfect, did their best to raise us as God-fearing individuals. They took us to church every Sunday, they took us to AWANA every Wednesday, they made sure we memorized our verses, they read us Bible stories every night, they sent us to Bible camp and V.B.S. during the summer, and tried their best to live out what they taught us to value. Unfortunately, my older brother decided to walk away from the Lord just before he turned 17. My parents were devastated. They were also devastated when my younger brother and sister decided to walk away as well. What happened in our church community as a result added insult to injury. Though many people came to us with compassion and prayed for my siblings that they would come back, there were also those who said (not to their faces) that my parents were failures. They must have done something wrong, or my brothers and sister would not have made those decisions. Never mind the fact that one of their children decided to take their teachings to heart and had a growing relationship with God, because the majority decided to walk away, they must have messed up. I was a fluke. My parents tried their best to raise us the way the Bible taught them. So, how is it their fault that my siblings decided to reject everything they had been taught as children?

Before you throw your stones of judgment labeled “Proverbs 22:6”, there are a few things I want you to keep in mind:
1. You are on the outside. You were not there for the first 18 years of the child in question’s life. You were not there to see why they made the decision that they did. All you see is the result of whatever happened, and there is no way you can know all the factors that went into it. So, do not assume that whatever decision the child made is because of something the parents said, did, or didn’t do. You don’t know. If you are truly concerned, instead of trying to figure out why it happened, pray about the child.

2. Children are influenced by more things than just their parents. While it’s true that how children turn out has a lot to do with how their parents raise them, it’s also true that they do not grow up in a social vacuum in which their views are shaped solely by their parents until the day they turn 18. We have all seen parents who have tried to do that, and the results are not pretty. The fact is, children are going to be influenced by a lot of different things. Friends, teachers, media, church, etc. Kids these days are being pulled in many different directions, and they may choose to listen to someone besides their parents and base their decisions off of them.

3. Children are not robots. Children are not empty hard drives that parents simply program whatever values they want into, and they stay that way for the rest of their lives. No, children are living, breathing, human beings with minds and souls of their own. There will come a time when they make their own decisions, whether they’re ready to or not. They may not decide to live by what their parents teach them, and that is not the parents’ responsibility.

4. This is a tragedy. If an adult child decides to walk away from the Lord, many Christian parents regard this as akin to a death sentence. No parent wants to see their child make decisions that harm them physically and emotionally. A family is torn apart, parents are devastated, and chances are, they are probably already asking themselves “Did I do something wrong?” They do not need you to answer their question with a “Yes.”

All in all, a realization that I can do my darndest to raise my kids in a manner worthy of the Lord and they may still decide to reject it is frightening. But, I do hope that if that ever does happen, I will have friends and family who have enough compassion to point their fingers heavenward in prayer instead of at me and my husband in blame.

Shameless Promotion!

Hey everyone! And by “everyone” I mean the five-ish people that read my blog so far. First, I want to say thanks a lot for your interest on my first official post. As a writer, I always want to know if my work is good and actually gives people something to think about. Your comments were really encouraging and I’m excited to see where this goes! Second, I’ve already mentioned the fact that I’m getting married in a month more than once, and as this blog is about my life and what happens in it, you’re going to be hearing about my soon-to-be husband a lot. He’s actually been the driving force for me to start this blog and has been very encouraging the whole time. He has a blog of his own too, and in my opinion, his stuff is very much worth you taking the time to read. He is a brilliant writer, has a passion for the things of God, and has a lot of great insights to share. Okay, I might be just a tad bit biased :) In all seriousness, check it out. It will be well worth your time! Thanks a lot everyone!

http://www.derekcozine.com/blog 

Do We Expect Too Much out of Guys?

I've noticed what I consider to be a disturbing trend on Facebok lately. There are several pictured posted that say "Every Girl Deserves a Guy Who Will..." and then lists off a certain amount of things that they want their dream guy to do for them. Among the ones I find particularly questionable include: Call her back when she hangs up on him, skip out on guys night to listen to her rantings, hug her when she hits him, tell her he loves her when she tells him she hates him, etc. To the girls who post this, it says "He should love me no matter what." To me, it says "We're allowed to act like brats and they still have to worship us." Hold. The. Phone. Since when is it okay to treat someone however we want and still expect them to be understanding? Not catching my drift? Let's say the tables are reversed. If a girl decides to skip out on a night with her gal pals in order to listen to her guy rant about how overrated Tim Tebow is, no one is going to say "How sweet! She's giving up her social life  so she can be there for her man!" No! Everyone would talk about what an abusive and controlling jerk the guy is, and how that girl needs to grow a backbone. So, how is it in any way fair that we ask the same thing of our guys just so we have someone to talk to about how Robert Pattinson just does not do Edward justice? If you need to get it out that bad, get a blog.  I'm not saying that girls don't deserve a guy that treats her well. I'm saying don't expect a standard of behavior out of guys that you are not willing to reach yourself.

I sometimes wonder if Christian culture unintentionally feeds this line of thinking. "You deserve the best." "Don't settle for less than a man after God's own heart." "You are the daughter of a King. You deserve someone who will treat you like a princess." That is all true and good, but I feel like it focuses more on the kind of men we should look for, rather than the kind of women we should become. We need good, godly men to share our lives with, yes. But they need good, godly women just as much. For the longest time, I wondered why God didn't just drop an unselfish, loving, strong, Christian guy in my lap. The fact is, I wasn't ready for him yet. In a lot of ways, I'm still not. But, I don't expect my man to be perfect, especially when I'm so far from perfect myself.

Now, don't get me wrong. One of the things I love best about my soon-to-be husband is that he has seen me in some of  my absolute worst moments and still loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. To me, that's special, that's exceptional, and it gives me confidence that I'm making the right choice by marrying him. But, does that make it okay for me to treat him badly just because I know he'll forgive me? Absolutely not. If anything, the fact that he's so patient and forgiving with me should make me want to reach for a higher standard of behavior to show how grateful I am to him. I found my prince. But, I realize that it doesn't end there. I need to work every day on becoming his princess. And, more importantly, I need to work every day on becoming the kind of woman God would have me be. So, I guess the point I'm trying to make is, ladies, worry less about the kind of guy you think you deserve, and focus more on becoming the kind of woman who's ready to handle the responsibility of being with that guy.

So... this is my blog

I have a lot of thoughts. That's an understatement. When I was a kid, I used to take time every week or so just to sit by the wall at recess and live in my own little imaginative world. I had a lot of scenarios and storylines I would make up in my head. In one, my friends and I were cowboys riding horses through the wild wild west. In another one, my entire class and I were riding our bikes through all 50 states to see the sights. In another one, we were biking around the world. Sometimes, my friends and I would live by our wits in the wilderness for awhile. Sometimes, we would have adventures in the big city (I grew up in a town of 4500 people). Either way, I would always imagine I was somewhere else,  doing something exciting, with those who I cared about most. As much fun as it was to live in my own little world, eventually the whistle would blow and I'd have to come back to reality. I wish I would have written some of those imaginative excursions down, it would be fun to read through what went through the head of 8-year-old me on a rainy day.

Even though I'm older now, the thoughts still fly. Granted, I don't think about impossible but exciting scenarios as often now (though it's still fun every once in awhile). These days, the things that go through my head come more from the things I see going on around me. Sometime, though, I find that the impossible and the real aren't that far apart as I once thought. For instance, if you told me a year and a half ago that I was going to be married soon, I would have laughed at you. Yet, in one month, I'm going to be standing at the altar, saying "I do." I've dreamed of this for years, but until about 7 months ago, that's all it was, a dream. And now, I'm watching my dream unfold before my very eyes. Also, I dreamed for years about getting out of my small town and going on an adventure to the big city, and trying out the world for myself. For the last five years, I've been living that dream, when for 18 years it seemed impossible. At age 23, I'm living in a world where dreams become reality. Though, hopefully, not the dreams where I get chased by unicorns. That's just scary. Anyway, this is a place where all the thoughts, dreams, and visions in my head will finally have an outlet. Feel free to read about them, but enter at your own risk. You have been warned.